


Falling, Flying (Dreaming, Dying)

by DrowningInStarlight



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-05-19 02:52:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14865234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrowningInStarlight/pseuds/DrowningInStarlight
Summary: Sam Lambert is dying.Plus: sunsets, spacewalks, and final goodbyes.





	Falling, Flying (Dreaming, Dying)

**Author's Note:**

>  I haven't finished Wolf 359 yet, but I listened to Change Of Mind last weekend, and had _a lot_ of feelings about the first Hephaestus crew, especially Lambert. Also, I cannot remember what order they die in, so apologies if the timeline of this is wrong.
> 
>  
> 
> Credit to the Lambert and Selburg chapter in "the kids are all wrong - the story's all off (one-shots vol. 2)" collection by harpers_mirror, it was the inspiration for this!

Sam Lambert was dying. 

He knew it. They all knew it-- everyone who was left. He didn't know what had gone wrong, when their mission had collapsed into this nightmarish fever dream, but somehow it had. And now he would never see home again, never breathe fresh air or feel real gravity, never get to say his final goodbyes to people who love him. 

He couldn't remember the shades of a sunset any more. He hadn't told anyone about how much he'd panicked when he realised he couldn't quite picture the way pinks and blues and greys play across an open sky, the golden light of the sun as it sunk behind the line of the horizon.

He wondered if it was true that you saw your life flash behind your eyes as you died, wondered if it would linger on a sunset. He hoped it would, just one last time. All that lived behind his eyes now was the burning red of the star they circled, their doomed orbit, the last light he would ever see. 

He knew Doctor Selburg had done something to him. He knew it, in a hazy kind of way, but really, what did it matter? He was always going to die out here, one way or another. He was never supposed to make it home, was he? Or was that just the painkillers talking? He hated the fact that he couldn't trust his own mind any more, the one thing he'd always relied on failing him when he needed it most. 

Some days, when the pain was worse, he thought death might be a mercy.

They'd moved him back to his own quarters when they agreed that nothing Selberg could do was helping. He lay and stared at the ceiling, breathing as lightly as he could. Tears float in zero gravity, it turns out. Funny, that. 

He woke up sobbing, sometimes. Captain Lovelace was always by his side, with soothing words that would have hidden her fear from anyone else, but not him. He knew her too well for that. 

"C'mon Lambert, just breathe for me," she'd say, voice shaking just a tiny, tiny bit. "Breathe. You're okay, it was just a nightmare. Just a nightmare." 

She was wrong, though. His dreams weren't the blood soaked horrors that her sleeping mind presented her with. His dreams were paradises, mocking visions of peace; beautiful things. He dreamed of Earth, of swinging his niece up in his arms and pretending they were exploring Deep Space, racing through the garden with the sunlight on their faces. 

"Faster, Uncle Sammy," she'd shout, "Run faster! The aliens are going to catch us!" 

"I'm sorry, sweetheart," he'd tell her, "I can't run any more." He would wake up coughing. 

Other times, he'd dream of all the people he'd lost, hear them calling his name as clearly as if he'd only seen them a moment ago. Sometimes he saw Fisher, or Hui and Fourier, sometimes he'd see Lovelace and not know if he was awake or asleep, if she was alive or dead. 

"Don't leave me, Sam," she'd whispered once. "You know I need you around. Come back and quote that stupid manual, keep me on track with your constant nitpicking. You know we're better at running this station together. Don't leave me."

"I wouldn't, if I was given the choice," he wanted to say, "If I could, I'd stay and run this station with you forever, and then we'd go home and I'd let you drag me out for ice cream every single week, because you're my best friend." 

But his brain wouldn't work, his thoughts wouldn't behave, so he just tried to smile and hoped that she'd know what he meant. 

__________

 

"I won't allow it," Selburg said. "He is too delicate, it would not be--" 

"Let me get this straight, Doctor," Lovelace cut in. "He's dying, is he not?" 

"Well, yes, but--" 

"And nothing you can do will stop him dying?" 

"No, that is correct, but--"

"Then we _are_ granting Lambert his damn last request, Selburg. I don't care whether you approve or not." 

Selburg sighed. "Very well, Captain. If you are sure your emotions are not clouding your judgement of what is wise for your crew. I know you are fond of Officer Lambert." 

" _Fond?_ He is the best _fucking_ person left on this goddamn crew, Selburg. The others are all _dead_ , so I doubt my _emotions_ will make any difference--" She took a deep breath. "Enough. Go and prepare the space suits." 

"Yes, Captain."

__________

 

As he put on his spacesuit-- awkwardly, painfully-- his mind kept drifting back to the first time he'd climbed out of that airlock with Captain Lovelace, the fear and the adrenaline and the way she'd sounded so much freer out there than anywhere else. 

She was a star-child, her heart belonged out there, and he'd been too afraid. But now, what else was there to lose? He was dying, everyone knew it, and he wanted to feel free as she had, one last time before the end. 

Lovelace stood by the airlock, her suit already on, and when he looked at her he caught for an instant the pain etched into her face. Then she turned away, and nodded towards the hatch. 

 

Outside, Lambert shut his eyes and pretended for a moment that this was the night sky as it looked from Earth; velvet blacks and blues, studded with distant stars. The only sound was Lovelace's breathing through the comms, and they floated, and Lambert understood suddenly why Lovelace loved this so much. 

"I don't want to die," he admitted quietly. 

Lovelace's breathing hitched. "I don't want you to die, either." 

"I'm going too, though. Aren't I?" 

"Yes. God, I'm so--" 

"Don't apologise. It's not your fault." 

"You know, Sam, I think that's the first time I've ever heard you say that." 

Lambert laughed, but it almost instantly became coughing. It took a few minutes for him to recover, and when he had, he noticed there were flecks of blood on the inside of his visor. 

"None of this is your fault, Isabel," he said. "None of it. I know you're blaming yourself, but--" 

"I'm your captain. I'm supposed to keep you safe." 

"You do. You have. I couldn't have wished for a better captain." 

"Now, we both know damn well that's not true." 

"Okay, okay. Sometimes, you are very, very annoying." 

"There's the Sam Lambert _I_ know." 

"But I couldn't have wished for a better _friend_." He took a deep breath. "When you get back to Earth..."

"If I get back to Earth." 

"You will. If anyone on this godforsaken mission makes it home, you will. And when you do, could you tell my niece that Uncle Sammy loved the stars just as much as she thought I would? She-- we used to play astronauts, and..." His voice broke, and he blinked away the tears that filled his eyes. "She'll be eight this year." 

"I'll tell her, Sam. Dammit, I'm going to find whoever's responsible for this, and make them _pay_ \--" she broke off, and for a moment her shaky breathing was the only sound again. 

"Thank you, Isabel. For everything. It's been an honour to serve with you." 

"And you, Sam. I would do anything to have this end differently." 

"Me too." 

They were silent for a long while. Then Lambert said "I think I'm ready to go back inside now." 

__________

Three days later, he woke up and couldn't breathe. The coughing was unbearable, Lovelace was talking to him but he couldn't make out the words over the noise in his head and he couldn't breathe, couldn't breathe, _couldn't breathe_ \--

 

"I'm sorry, Captain," Selburg said. "He's gone." 

"Goodbye, Officer Lambert," Lovelace whispered. "I hope you're in a far better place than here. _Anywhere_ but here."

**Author's Note:**

> /crying
> 
>  
> 
> Comments and kudos are always welcomed!


End file.
